so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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