i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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