She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
