Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
