i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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