Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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