If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
