Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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