Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
