Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
