I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
