ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
only if we run a train.
done.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
