last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
