Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
