I'd wear matching sweaters with you
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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