My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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