Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
