I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
