i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
