Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
