This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
