God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize