So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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