1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
