The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
