I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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