if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
