i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
