the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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