UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize