I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
