I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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