dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
