i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
