just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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