I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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