she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
