that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize