Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
