When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
