I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
