so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
