This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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