I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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