can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
