Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
