remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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