dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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