So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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