I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
