I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think your dad took our porno
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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