Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
