You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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