I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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