I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
